Tuesday, May 12, 2009

More about Kaleb...

Here we go again...I have not had time to sit and blog for weeks...imagine that! I did want to write some more and post some pictures about our time at Children's Hospital. Kaleb was born at 2:45 PM on March 19th, and about 10 PM he was aboard Angel 1 medflight on his way to Children's Hospital in Little Rock. I will say that I have never felt more helpless in my life than I did that night, and I hope I never feel that again! I was stuck in the labor and delivery room wondering, while all the "able bodied" people were able to watch what was happening from the nursery window. I have watched some video from that day, and I can't say that it would have made me feel better to watch what was being done because Kaleb was so pitiful. The nurses, doctor, and respiratory therapist worked with Kaleb and did tests and x rays for quite a while and I would occasionally hear that there was a 50% or 60% chance of him going to Children's, but when the final word came I was just so sad. I had never had a baby and not been able to hold it, feed it, comfort it, and be able to give it everything it needed to survive. It was strange to carry this little baby every second for 9 months and then have him taken from me without even a kiss.

Of course my hormones were on overtime so tears fell from my eyes constantly whether I wanted them to or not. I tried to be strong and not just fall apart, but really I just wanted to throw a big huge 6 year old Karleigh fit! LOL! I wanted to tell them that they would NOT take my baby and put him in a huge, loud, dangerous,...machine and take him away from me...over my dead body! BUT I didn't! I knew that Children's was where he should be, and that they were wonderful, and that I could do NOTHING while they could do EVERYTHING he needed at that point, but oh that was so hard! Two nurses, Beverly, and a really sweet Tech nurse, came and cleaned me up (like a baby) and lifted me from the bed into a wheel chair. I was wheeled to the nursery where I could touch Kaleb's little foot and tell him goodbye. I couldn't stand or even reach his bed. Again, everything in me wanted to stand up and grab him in my arms. Word came that the helicopter had landed, and everyone had to leave so that the medical team could evaluate Kaleb for the flight. I was wheeled to a room where I could see the huge blades of Angel One from my window...it wasn't something I wanted to see at that time though. I tried to turn the other way and pretend that my baby was on his way to my room. Jason came in and one look at him told me that I better get it together! He was a mess! He had watched it all, and heard everything they were saying about Kaleb, and he was about to fall apart! This really made me worry because there was only one other time in our lives together that I have seen him like that...my mom's funeral. We waited and talked with the people who were in our room...I can't even remember who it was. Finally, the team wheeled Kaleb's little isolet into the room so we could say goodbye. He was so pitiful...tubes were everywhere, and he looked so fragile! A couple of minutes were all we had and they rushed our baby away. The room felt so empty, so quiet, so WRONG! I thought of my friend Kim, and wondered how she could stand to sit in the hospital room after knowing that she would never have the hope of watching her baby get better. How did she stay sane when they took that precious little girl from her arms for the last time? It was then that I started trying to be grateful. I kept telling Jason as he was preparing to leave for Little Rock that we would be OK. I knew we would get through this horrible time, and Kaleb would be home with us eventually! We would have some really tough days and nights, and think that it would never end, but it would! I knew we were about to learn a lot of things from this experience! I also felt the prayers of everyone who loved us. There is no way I could have been able to get through that night without them because I couldn't pray myself. I can say I know the peace that passes all understanding because as Jason left I really didn't know how I was not begging him to take me with him...but I didn't. I KNOW it was God!

1 comment:

Ben and Bethany said...

We sure do love him :)